More thoughts on Gene Simmons Family Jewels

Posted: August 24, 2006 in Metal News & Commentary

My DVR gave me some trouble but my wife was smarter than me and recorded the two latest episodes of Gene Simmons Family Jewels on the DVR in the living room.

Episode 2 – Driving Me Crazy

Plots: Gene has a contest with his son, Nick, over who is the better driver. Gene takes the driving tests with Nick, if Nick beats Dad, Gene must wear a sign stating he is the worst driver on the planet in broad daylight in Beverly Hills. The other plotline is Sophie (age 13) has a boyfriend and Papa Gene wants her to take self defense classes to protect her from hormonally challenged boys.

– Obviously, Gene lost the driving contest. He sucks behind the wheel but his excuse was pretty good: he lived in New York, no need for a car. When he moved to L.A., he had enough money to hire a driver. Makes sense to me! Best part of the contest was Gene taking the road test and answering his cell phone. The look on the instrucor’s face was priceless. As far as Sophie’s self defense classes, Shannon took her to class and they both did very well. Shannon had some “combat” moves, probably from some movie prep or workout schedule. Sophie was very into it. Of course, Papa Gene picked up his girls in the car. Of course the self defense instructor asked Gene to don the body armor so he could take some abuse from the women. And, of course, he did and got his ass kicked! Staged? Most likely, but very entertaining.

Episode 6 – Food Or Sex?

Plot: Shannon buys Gene some clothes, he tries them on and they don’t fit. Shannon asks Gene to go for a weekend away but it is secretly to a fancy, new age, fat farm. Gene thinks he’s getting a weekend of “tenderness” but he finds himself in a weight loss resort with a 900 calorie daily diet, no TV, and no sex. While the parents are away, the kids are watched by Shannon’s sister, who is a bit of a wild child, and the kids run loose. Whip cream fights in Gene’s office, spitballs at a Gene/KISS stand-up, and possible body piercings for Sophie.

– I knew Gene had an addiction to food, he’s mentioned it in various interviews over the years. He weighed in at 225 lbs, that’s lighter than me right now so I felt good for the guy. He paid the guy at the front desk a few hundred dollars for a TV in his room and take-out food. Of course, he got caught by Shannon. The next day, Gene turns over the proverbial “new leaf” and works out to lose at least 5 lbs before the weekend. If he loses 5 lbs, he gets some booty! Give the guy credit for losing 4.5, he got close and was rewarded by Shannon. Best moment of the show was Gene talking to the guy from the front desk, “I’m Gene Simmons and I need food and a TV.” That’s great!

Is the show staged. Probably. What makes this better than The Osbournes is that everyone is more articulate and normal. I can believe that Gene is addicted to food, I have a hard time believing Ozzy can’t take out the trash. I can believe Gene wanting Sophie to be able to protect herself, i couldn’t believe Ozzy giving Kelly advice before going out, “Don’t drink or do drugs. If you have sex, use a condom.” The Simmons/Tweed family seems more grounded and very close whereas the Osbourne household seemed out of control.

The ratings for the 2nd set of episodes was higher than the first two according to news reports online, hopefully the two new episodes this weekend will also do well. I’ll keep you posted…..

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Comments
  1. David Amulet says:

    I still can’t get into this–or any reality TV, really–but I see what you’re saying about how this is better than the Osbournes. Staged, yes, but more normal and thus better for a fan.

    – david

  2. Bruce says:

    When I first saw the promos for the show, I winced a bit, because c’mon..this is Gene Simmons, the God of Thunder. But after watching the first few episodes, I thoroughly enjoy it. He’s just a dad, doing what dads do, including embarrassing his kids, and the fact that he and Shannon(who, btw, still has it goin’ on) are still together after 23 years is quite inpressive. And the kids seem to be very well grounded, which, when you think about it, is an accomplishment in itself. Staged? Yes(he’s the executive producer, afterall), but entertaining nonetheless.

  3. The appealing thing is that the family seems normal and actually enjoys each other. They genuinely care about each other. I never got that from the Osbournes.

  4. David Amulet says:

    I finally broke down and watched an episode. And it was more entertaining than I thought. I won’t make a regular habit of it, but it wasn’t all bad!

    – david

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